Justin Huff, 48

I’ve been trying to get sober for 23 years, in and out. It’s relapse after relapse. It’s been really rough. Really hard to live like that. It started after my first arrest, a nudge from the judge forced me into recovery, going to AA meetings, having to do it. And then just like tripping over myself for 23 years, and every year I’m either halfway in or halfway out.

As a kid, I was always a backyard biologist, with my head in books about insects, reptiles, and dinosaurs. I love science, I love math. I would have probably pursued some educational science path. And I had a lot of hobbies: karate, skateboarding, sports.

But my family came from poverty. My dad was a big-time pot smoker and drinker, and my mom drank beer and smoked cigarettes. It was normal for me. I was the oldest of three siblings and I was overprotective of them, got into fist fights for sticking up for my brother.

Every substance I experimented with was right there at home. When I first took a cigarette from mom, I went to the creek, lit it up, and smoked it. I remember the taste like it was yesterday. And I remember the feeling of it, this was amazing, you know, like getting away with something, it was exciting, like an adventure. Think I was nine when I stole her beer out of the refrigerator, and I would shotgun the beer and then get drunk. I would make my brother and sister laugh when I was drunk. This whole new aspect of being the comedian, being funny and kind of a grown-up, drinking beer and watching what it does to me. And, here’s my audience.

And then dad, he smoked pot, and he had this ritual where we would get his pot pan out, moms in the kitchen cooking dinner, dad’s cutting up his weed and rolling a joint or putting it in this big pipe, lighting a match and taking a hit, and pass it on to me. I think I was 11 the first time this happened.

My grades were failing because I didn’t show up, but when I was there I did well. I was very smart, but didn’t want to be cooped up in a classroom. I wanted to go on hikes in the woods with my dad’s weed, like a hobbit. I relate all this directly to my drug use. It made me lazy, out of focus, and made me think that it is just about having fun all the time. I have been drinking and smoking with my friends since I was thirteen.

My drug use cost me discipline, a responsible life. It cost me security. It cost me a lot. It really did. I just looked on Facebook. My high school is having a 30-year reunion. First reaction that happened to me is this kick in the guts. I would love to see them and catch up. And all this guilt and shame of where I’ve been. I’ve disgraced myself, I’m outside of it now. Rejected misfit, and this is hard to swallow because this wasn’t my plan. In school I was loved by all, got along with everyone and I was everybody’s pot dealer. So, they all grew up. I didn’t. It hurts.

My dad was a phenomenal drummer. That made me become a drummer. I always wanted to impress people, impress my dad. So being a musician was pretty cool. I never used when I played, because I was dedicated to performing and dedicated to sounding good on the album. I found my crowd, was on stage, in 13 albums and in Pixar movies, all pro-bono stuff. I did something for the SF Giants, got to hear my music played on the jumbotron in front of 60000 people. So, that was cool. Played in 3 bands, one for a good 20 years, played with the same bass player for 30 years, he’s still my closest friend, and performed from 2003 – 2020. Whenever I tap on things, I always find the sweet spot. At the detox I found it on this table, it was amazing, boom, bap, and my friend got a guitar and we got the Nirvana song for the clients there. It was awesome.

Now, I didn’t become a famous rock star. I gave it my best and I didn’t make it. I’m not gonna let it break my heart like it did my dad’s. I always gonna be a drummer, always practicing, always air-drumming, always tapping and learning.

But I love my job in pool service, been there for 26 years, and I need to be available for my people: my fellowship, and I need to nurture myself and my sobriety. Today, I’m trying to have acceptance for who I am. I do have some goals and I have some really cool things I want to do. Got myself obsessed with turquoise and lapidary and jewelry-making. But I have too much going on right now with drug court, outpatient, sobriety, all my free time is dedicated to going to meetings and doing my chores.

My friend and I both spent time at the San Mateo jail, that was awful, we were both pathetic and broke. We met again at this Sober Living home, and now we do this thing every night where we have dinner together and watch a movie. I haven’t done this since I was a kid. I do this now, and I crave doing it.