The Golden Repair

In Japanese art culture, Kintsugi stands for the repair of broken pottery, also referred to as “golden” repair. Wikipedia defines Kintsugi as “golden joinery, also known as kintsukoroi, the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer, dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, platinum. As a philosophy, it treats breakage and repair as part of the history of an object, rather than something to disguise.”

The concept of Kintsugi resonated with me when I heard about this for the first-time years ago. How beautiful to consider the broken pieces of an object as its history where the broken pieces themselves are artifacts of change, or messengers that remind us that change is a part of life and can be treasured. The newly transformed object may indeed have its very own beauty. One that is unique and has no alike counterpart in the world. 

I remember a small vase I purchased from a street vendor in Cuernavaca, Mexico, years ago. What attracted me to it was the asymmetry and matte, golden lacquer, which filled the broken parts along the rim. I also recall enjoying creating collages with fragments of broken mirror and tile pieces, or creating images with various objects found in nature, projects that are commonly explored during art classes in school. Finding unique pieces of art, jewelry, or clothes was always something I enjoyed.

The concept of Kintsugi refers to the uniqueness in each of us; the richness of our life stories and experiences combined. Broken pieces of pottery seem like the scars, asymmetries, wrinkles, and any other perceived imperfections we each have.

So how does Kintsugi relate to the experience of grief?

My broken heart, shattered from the loss of my son, Alex, will never be the heart it was before this tragedy. How could it when grief will remain my companion from here on since I will never, ever see my son in this earthy life again.

My heart is broken, and yet through the fragments of its brokenness, there seems to be some space, like the cracks that Leonard Cohen sings about in his song, “Anthem“, “…a crack in everything, that’s how the light gets in…”

At this stage in my grief journey, I have begun to notice the light in my heart, while during the first few months there was only fog and clouds. The light that shines through my broken heart is hope, visions for a meaningful path unfolding. A path that is about creating a legacy in Alex’s honor that has Alex’s spirit in it while helping others with similar struggles, and confirming that Alex’s physical death was not in vain. Furthermore, the light reveals my deepest desire to heal that which never fully healed before. After all, I have nothing to lose; the worst that could have happened, did happen. Now is the time to look deeper and explore who I am, and who I am becoming. 

So, how can my broken self come back to life and find meaning, love, and joy? 

From the moment I found out about Alex’s passing, I knew I had to be present and choose to live, even though I felt numb, desperate, and alone. I did not exactly know what it was about other than a deeply felt energy that gave me a sense of urgency and significance amidst the catastrophic event. 

Experiencing the unthinkable has culminated in a turning point in my life. Will this tragedy collapse me, or will it challenge me to my deepest core asking me to look beyond my own perceived walls and limitations? Is it indeed possible to find something so strong and compelling to live for, that my son’s passing brings about a new experience of life? New hope? New inspirations, desires, and meanings? Can such tragedy transform my life?

Are the broken pieces of my new self becoming the new me? A version of myself that has torn down the walls of my old identity, and with all its pain, desperation, confusion, anger, and sadness, has become free to explore and expand my human-being-ness, detached from roles, or perceived securities and limitations? Maybe a bigger me?

Who am I, and who am I becoming? 

This brings me back to Kintsugi: mending the broken pieces of the heart through desire, love, and the search for meaning. While I am in this process of mending, it feels as if I am moving into unknown territory because I do not know yet where it will lead me.

Alex will never be on this earth among us again. But his vast and abundant spirit can shine through and bring beauty into this world. Alex’s physical death will not be disguised nor forgotten, nor should his passing be in vain. His transition into the spirit world is his history and his journey. And as his mother and spiritual collaborator, I have been listening to a deep, inner calling. One that brings forth Alex’s spirit and is leading to the birth of something new and powerful. It is a creative process that unfolds in its own timing and pace. I have begun this process of reflecting, listening, writing, and at times, withdrawing from outer world events, so I can connect with my inner resources and wisdom, collecting ideas and visions, finding myself in deep vigil.

The times spent in my deepest vigils and listening to the pieces of my broken heart, their messages with all their longings, confusions, dreams, and desires, are bringing me closer to myself and allowing me to feel my son’s love. It is there where I can find truth, even when mixed with despair, while also helping me to see my path with greater clarity. 

I am becoming my son’s voice, desiring to express that which he could not, because his addicted brain struggled to survive. In becoming part of his legacy, I am finding my own voice, empowered by a mother’s love and devotion, a voice that wants to shout out Alex’s name into the universe and spread the messages of encouragement, inspiration and hope. Alex stood for these messages in his short life, and he showed this in how he treated his friends. His example guides me. 

In so doing, I am beginning to mend some of the broken pieces. Not any mending with the attempt to fix or repair what cannot be repaired. Rather, it is an organic process of healing into new possibilities. And as of now, writing is my chosen medium that allows me to explore the possibilities for my creations to come. 

Loss, desperation, grief, and maybe, from the depths of the night, the broken pieces, sourced in the ruins from loss, welding the pieces of my heart together through the never-ending presence of love for my son. Ironically, the pain from loss, the source of my broken heart, is now becoming the new paradigm for the mending of my heart’s shattered pieces. It is Alex’s presence, his love and spirit, that represent the golden resin that fills the cracks. Hence, my grief journey is beginning to unfold, from loss and desperation, to hope and healing, all orchestrated by my openness and deep desire for such change. Grief, a messenger of love, is becoming the fuel for transformation. Without seeing the future and knowing what is to come, I allow spirit, guided by Alex, to shine the light on my new path. 

Kintsugi, or the golden repair of my broken heart.

Broken, open. And new possibilities.

Written on: 08/31/2021